I had a good day today!!

 Today was Christmas, I woke up bright and early and enjoyed some quality time with my family. As the youngest, I love being able to gather around the Christmas tree and open presents while bantering and chatting with my family members. I got a lot of interesting items, but honestly I'm just glad everyone was getting along! My sister and I bonded over setting up an mp3 player, my brother in law and I bonded over a game he likes, my brother and I bonded over a game him and I grew up with, and I even got to spend some time with my aunt and cousin, it was splendid! 

Aside from the mildly annoying politics, "Find God and convert" media, and minor inconveniences, today was amazing. And right before the day ended, I started reading a book I've been wanting to read for a while. "Transcendence: How humans evolved through fire, language, beauty, and time" by Gaia Vince. I just read the introduction today, however there are some things I'm going to do. 

Obviously, I'm not gonna read the chapter only once. I'm going to be reading each chapter multiple times, just to make sure I have every single but of information on each one. Then I'm going to summarize them in my notebook, taking out key points and explaining them in my own words. That way I get the most information out of the book, the best way to learn if you ask me. 

I have always struggled with learning new things, but I want to change that before I turn 18. I don't have much time left, especially with the new year slowly approaching. I was never able to enjoy my youth to the fullest, because I ignored what truly mattered. 

I never realized how much time I've lost until I was cleaning my bookshelf just the other day, finding things I have forgotten about for many years. It made me realize I had taken many things for granted, never seeing the full picture. And as a kid, it was normal for me since I found no meaning in the things I was given. But now that I'm older, I look down upon these items with a sorrowful fondness, wishing I could go back in time and start anew. Fix the old things I broke, piece back items I neglected. One of these being my old music box, I've had it all my life but it's horribly damaged. I never took proper care of it, but now that it's here with me, I want to cherish it forever. 

It made me think about myself, made me think about my past. I never grew up a normal child, I faced abuse at a young age and never knew it was bad until the man who put his hands on me disappeared from my life. Arrested and sentenced to 15 years, which was his demise. He died in prison, unable to see me or the family he hurt ever again. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I still dearly miss him. Now don't get me wrong, I hate how he treated me, but deep down inside this damaged body, a little girl is there, crying and trying to find the father she lost. It's something I can never admit to anyone, fearing their judgemental gaze.

But I shouldn't have to, no one should have to fear what others think of them. We should all be able to look ourselves in the mirror and see us, not a broken vessel. I wouldn't wish my misery upon my worst enemy, regardless of how cruel they were towards me. Now I don't believe in multiple chances, but I do believe that even if we break the trust of one, we still have a chance with another. However, even this has its limits, especially when it depends on how the trust was broken. But that's another story, for another time.

In summary, this upcoming year will be my best one yet. Not because of good things happening to me, but because of how I plan to live this year. I don't want to forever live in the shadows, I need to step out. I need to feel the warm sunshine caress my pale skin once more, reminding me of times much simpler than now. I need to take those skeletons out of my closet, and replace them with memories I want to store and cherish later down the line. Never again do I want to take everything for granted, never seeing the value within each attribute. Never again do I want to waste my time like how I wasted my early days, I want to live. Be free, be me. 

It shouldn't be too hard, right?

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